Struggle

I'm struggling. It's important to put that out there rather than internalize the thoughts as I usually would.

I'm off the drink and this is the time the thoughts start to drift back in about having a drink.

It is insane to want to drink because everything in my life is going so well. I have a family, good job and get to do the majority of the things I want to. I see people all around that don't have the blessings I have so I have every reason to feel grateful, and I do. In fact I feel happy and blessed most of the time.

But I've started to have thoughts about drinking.

I'm not under any illusions of what that would look like, I have no delusion that it would be a happy party with everyone around me having a great time. It would be me drinking secretly and alone. The best case scenario would be I get so smashed that I'm unable to hide it and it's one and done. I'll then be back to day one again full of shame having let people down, but at least I'd be back on the journey. Worst case is I drink and don't get caught. That then becomes the pattern for the following days/weeks/months until I have that big drink that can't be ignored.

I don't enjoy drinking anymore, and haven't for a long time, it brings me nothing good. What I'm craving is that switch off it gives me. It gives me the ability to not feel. It allows me to be selfish and not give a fuck about what other people think or feel. I have to be honest in that there is something attractive in that thought. To step out of myself and not care for a moment. A holiday from my brain.

But that's all rubbish. At best I'll have a moment of fake peace followed by xxxxx amount of time trying to chase that feeling. Then I'll stop and realise how lucky I am and be full of regrets, anxiety and consequences.

So I'm not going to drink. I'm going to share these thoughts and process them rather than sit on them and let them fester. Today I am going to enjoy the blessings I have.

Thanks for the space to share.